How it feels like to be a mom

The first time I saw Lois, in the delivery room at 8:54am after almost 13hours of labor, she was so white - as white as paper - with dark, long hair. Her head has a funny funnel shape which makes her look like a baby cardinal. I was expecting that tears would fall once I hold her, but there was nothing of that sort -no ecstatic feeling that finally I saw the baby in my womb, or nostalgic because of the special bond new mom's feel right away. I was examining myself for the strongest emotion I felt, and the one that I remember was I wanted to be as courteous as possible to the medical staff who attended to me. I didn't want to irate them so they wouldn't take it on my baby by switching her with other else's. (I heard before, that about 8/10 babies are switched in the nursery.)



Maybe it was the epidural, or the delivery pains. But I really didn't feel anything monumental inside me. And it wasn't how I thought it would be too, because in TV and in books, first-time moms cry when they gaze into their little baby's eyes. I didn't even go to see Lois at the Nursery Section until the following day. Hmm, I was preoccupied then with entertaining friends and family who visited, albeit I was lying down. Even peeing was done using a bed pan.

Seeing eye to eye
When I saw Lois again, this time at the NICU - ICU's for babies, because Lois had to be tested for infection due to prolonged exposure to the air (my water bag, which shields her from bacteria and germs, broke 12 hours before she came out) it felt awkward at first. She was swaddled with pink hospital sheet and was soundly sleeping. Her red face was covered with black, downy hair. Oh, what an angel! I was feeling dramatic already, had not the attending nurse changed the pipe in music to reggae.

I picked Lois up, not showing how scared I was lest I drop her, to nurse her. But I didn't know how to. Breastfeeding, it turned out, is not that easy. Lois and I had to learn about basic skills such as latching in, cradle hold, let down, etc. Since she was sleeping, I carefully returned her and whispered my goodbye. I added that Daddy misses her and that we love her. Oh, that did it! Lois cried. Did she understand what I said? Did she miss us too? I went crazy trying to soother her so the nurse got her from me. Too much for our first meeting.

Home, sweet, home

After 3 days at the hospital, the doctors said I can go home already. So my loving papsie and I processed the payments and papers. But NICU said Lois can't be released yet since her pedia has ordered for antibiotics to be given to her that evening. What, leave her at the hospital? What a thought! But that was the best thing to do. At the house, relatives eager to see Lois was surprised to see just me. Funny, but it seemed like Lois gave us a little more time to enjoy the house without her. Coz as soon as we brought her home, it was never the same again. Her size made a big difference in our lifestyle, our choices, and our priorities.

The house, which was sometimes unkept before was still in disarray but always sanitized. Mommy Tams would never allow germs to come near Lois. The fridge, which before was filled with water and juices, is now compact with pre-cooked meals. A nursing mom always has to be fed, in order to have a healthy baby. The doors and windows, which we couldn't care less before now have screens and safety latches to protect Lois. And the working ant that I am, is home-based now. Inseparable with Lois.

How does it feel like to be a mom, you ask me? Weird, but I still cannot directly answer that question. Because being a mom, is simply not just about feelings. It involves staying up late, changing food habits, even music preference, taking care of my self and my hubby in order to take care of Lois, sacrificing but then reaping heartwarming rewards as well. It's a whole life work. And this time, I want to give it my best.